i'd rather stand here and watch you all. all by myself, observing how you behave. i'm not as enthralled by nature as so many of you seem to be. water is supposed to be clear, and birds will fly, and trees will blow. but each and every person will present themselves in a slightly different manner, and i wont get over that. the differences that twist and turn like worms. the choices we make. when my palms sweat you wont notice, because i'm way over here. but when your teeth show, i'll notice because i'm watching. and not in a creepy way either. and you barely smile, but i catch it here and there. and you say words to me and i'm caught in shock because i can't stop gazing into your golden brown eyes. and i feel like you'll notice. but eye contact is normal, so you don't. and you don't notice when i trace your face with my eyes, memorizing each curve. and i'm deathly afraid one day you'll realize i got just the least bit out of my way to pass by you in the morning. and i can't help myself, so when you wave to me first i'm gonna giggle. and especially when you're with your friends. and you know i'm not the creative type, so don't think that. i'm no artist. i'm not the smart type either. so don't go around thinking i am, cause i'm not. i mean look at me. i thought that the stars were in the sky. and i'm still not quite sure where they are. or where i am.

and rivals don't just become best friends, it isn't how the world spins. and new kids make friends and they leave you in the dust. and you feel like you matter that first second you see the new kid in the back of the class. the minute you watch the neighbors unload the truck, you feel like maybe you'll find a friend. before anyone else knows them. i mean cause then they don't know that you're the loser. they can judge you for themselves, something a lot of people fail to do. i've become a little more than accustomed to the backs of heads. and you can't by mistake, trip and fall into the bottom of the social ladder. you just get put there. without a voice. and you need to stand your ground to the ones with the open minds. and if they don't listen, how can they ever know? and i'll sacrifice my sanity to the better of the world, i'll approach the common people and say hello. don't bet i wont. and they'll think i'm crazy for the most part, but every so often. once in a blue moon, i'll make a friend. and i'll seem like the gayest person on the planet. watch me skip from class to class in my neon pink jeans, i dare you. and you're gonna judge me. but you wouldn't judge me any less if i dressed the exact same as you, or walked with the least bit of perk, so why should i bother? why can't i just be happy?

i don't come here to see you. i don't, i swear. i come here to breathe. i come here to get away. and i run here. i run here so they don't find me. not that they're looking. and i sit here where it's silent. but it isn't so silent. and the kids are screaming in their yards. and the moms and pops are tucking in the little ones. and the sun is evaporating into the sky. the crunching of the leaves, that's what bothers me. cause i know someones watching me. they're watching. and if they look too closely they'll see everything i try so hard to shield. and my breathing is heavy, and my hand is shaking. and my cheeks are damp, but i don't know why. there are trees. there are always trees. and you're in the yellow house. and i can barely smell you from here. but i didn't come here to see you. so don't think i came here to see you.

i bet you don't know the way i feel. i know you don't in fact, because i barely do. you can't see the pain in my eyes, and i don't know why. i don't know how to tell anyone anything anymore. i don't know how to have a face to face conversation about my feelings. i don't know how to just tell you, or anybody. because i tried so hard to hide it that now my skins just too thick to be broken. i can't just undo all the things i've done. i can't unthink my thoughts, or unsay my words. and that's the meaning of "too late." and people say it's never "too late" but it is, they just don't know. and did you know i go for walks alone? and did you know i walk along the wall, just along the edge. shaking the border between life and death, stradling the line. and i'll walk past his house, just once. maybe twice. talking to myself. telling me i'm crazy. i explain just why. i'll always have reasons. but for someone to sit down and listen is just not possible, so whatever.

I won't ask you to let me out. because i know i can find the way. so you'll sit there with your sly smile, and when i redirect my eyes in such a sudden, you'll think i've got the hots for you. but i don't. and i don't like him much either, but i guess it seems i do. and that other kid, yeah he's alright. but not that kind of alright. he's the kind of kid i can look at and not want to punch in the face kind of alright. and it's only a shadow, so i know it wont bite. but i can't help but shield myself. and i shake and quiver to the point of tranquility. and i like to be numb, i like to be so cold i cant feel my fingers. i like to sing with my hands over my eyes, and i like to say goodbye to him every single day even if i do stick my tongue out when his back is turned. did you know there billions of stars in the sky? but he said they aren't in the sky. and the funniest thing of all is you'll barely comprehend a word i say, because you don't speak my language, and thats why i can tell you anything and everything. and i'm falling asleep. my eyes are so heavy i can barely hold them open. and i can hear the pitter patter of the rain and it pisses me off. and i can hear the children and it makes me smile. i mean, it makes me smile, but i wont because it takes too much effort. and i'm hungry, but i probably wont eat, because everytime i do i hate myself a little more and i can just barely keep that stuff down.

Honestly, it’s never going to come back. What’s happened is done. The people I lost along the way couldn’t care less. Why should they? As if they remember who I am. As if Mama’s really looking over me. Dad said she is, but then again when does he see corruption? He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. She never cared when she was here, so why would she care what I was doing now? Then there’s dad, oh dad. He’s too occupied with his books and his stories to hear what I have to say. So I thought I’d stoop to his level. Search for attention? Sure. I’m a human being, so don’t I deserve at least a little?  I can’t get my past back, ever. I can’t be a little kid again. He can never teach his little princess how to ride a bike or swim. Mom can never tuck me in; never give me the childhood I deserved. Neither of them can change the way they raised me. They can’t undo the screaming. They can’t take go through and redo all the things they’ve done. All the nightmares they’ve given me will never be undreamt. That scares me. I feel like I’m losing control of myself, of who I am. Who am I anyway? Wouldn’t you like to know.

So you think you're a sweetheart? It's real nice the way you lift me up just to knock me down, watch me fall, watch me bleed. Let me hang and grasp on to life. You watch the happiness drain from my eyes in tears of pain. You scare me thinking you'll leave as I beg you to stay. When I ask you to go, you stay anyway. You get a thrill out of breaking my heart. It gives you a little rush. Fills your veins. Travels your body. Lights your skin. Well, I can't say I don't care. I won't say I don't care. There are other people. Plenty. That care. Or at least don't lead you to believe your some kind of princess just to shatter your heart and then chew it. Letting it pierce your tongue, letting all the shared saliva drain mixed with blood. I hate you. I really, truly do.